so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
