Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
