i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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