I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
