My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
