Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
