Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
