i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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