Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
