i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
