Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
