woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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