There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
