Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
