in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
