I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
