She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I met the friendliest cop last night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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