I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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