Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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