"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
