my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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