I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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