Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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