I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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