I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
