we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
