Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
