dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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