just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
