11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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