k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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