I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
