My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
