Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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