Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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