I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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