Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
