There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
