Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
