I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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