Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
