just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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