she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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