you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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