all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
