Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
