then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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