Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
