She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
