I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
