Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
