I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
