i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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