I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Congratulations! We have a period
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